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Articles
Hugh Thompson’s speech at the 96 dinner,
Of course this is the year we have seen the opening of the All Weather Hockey Pitch.
Not so well known is the fact that when they were digging the foundations to the pitch certain artefacts were found , these oh so exciting objects prove conclusively that there was a considerable Roman encampment on the site where Clayesmore proudly stands today
So what were these Roman remains? As luck would have it I have been allowed by the British Museum to bring a few to show you.
Exhibit A
And what do we have here?
At first the archeoplist thought this was an old condom packet, probably only a few months
old. But how could this be? The boys and girls of Clayesmore are more virtuous than the
vestal virgins--And when they found literally thousands of these packets in the area they
realised they were very early plastic tiles, proving that the Romans had a considerable
hot bath complex on the Clayesmore site.
We come to Exhibit B
To those of common mind this may look like a cardboard filter to a
marijuana cigarette.
Oh common minds, how could you think such thoughts?
In fact microscopic analysis shows that it is in fact very early Roman wiring proving that
the Romans who lived at Clayesmore had some form of electricity.
Exhibit C is probably the most exciting.
For those without any imagination this looks like squashed beer can, but
if you look very closely you will see the very distinct inscription- not Belgium’s
original beer but BE GIUM SORI GIN ALBE ER. Which is a rare Latin dialect which translated
means Scots wa he Wallace bled etc.
However what is so exciting is that this metal originally came from America. Thereby
proving that the first century Clayesmorians crossed the Atlantic nearly 1400 year before
Columbus. But the most important evidence that Romans were at Clayesmore was a scroll
written by that well known classic scholar Davidus ApisApis(David Beeby)
As luck would have it, I have a copy here and will translate as I go along.
Its starts:-
Gloriat Clayesmoriana, Honour Clayesmore.
Vivat Clayemoriana, Long live Clayesmore
Ipsos Facto Floreat Clayesmoriana Semper. By this fact may
Clayesmore always flourish
Per Tutti Dorsetshirium nusquam- In all Dorset there is nowhere
Ubi vires sunt si audax -where the men are so brave
Et Puella si pulcrae- and the young women so beautiful
Angeli non Clayesmorianii dit St Augustsine-Angel no
Clayesmorians said St Augustine
Alibi est non si bono -Elsewhere is not so good
Verbi causa Vires et Puella Bryanstantis- For instance The men and girls of Bryanston
sunt quasi animo asino - are like donkey’s breath
sed deterius- but worse
vulga Milton Abbassi- the crowd at Milton Abbey
sunt quasi ala simio -are like monkeys armpits
sed detrius et detrius -but worse and worse
populis Canfordi- the people of Canford
sunt quasi pulex canino- are like dogs fleas
Gloriat Clayesmorian, Vivat Clayesmorian, Floreat Clayesmorian
Semper.
Cogito ipso factorii- I think by these facts the toast must be
Gloriat Clayesmore. Mater heros per Centum Anni. -Honour Clayemore mother of heroes for
100 years.
G Staines note: Hugh Thompson is a long serving member of the Society’s Committee. He
is also a journalist. Neither of these facts should be held against him, but the latter
does “porve” one of two things. Either that his profession has managed to
eradicate the spectacularly good education he received at a certain well known Dorset
school or that, on the sly, he’s a secret fan of the great Nigel Molesworth. He
admits to neither, claiming that all hacks are unable to spell or type.)